May 12, 2009 - Tuesday 4:10 AM

I need to break down...want to break down...stand strong to peering eyes while slowly crumbling inside..will I ever be alright? It’s funny how I cannot speak what is on my mind yet as the words "I'm fine" linger on my lips the tears mingle with them and still I cannot begin to explain the frustration and fear that comes with not knowing what is truly wrong. Someone from the shadows leap up! For now more than ever I need a shoulder to cry on and warm arms wrapped round to shield me from the icy winds of terror that shriek, merely demons haunting my disillusioned mind. The sweet face of joy has yet again turned away from me...I call out "wait!" but still she continues walking. I stumble wishing it were I walking next to her, instead of here on my knees in the shadows, convulsions of weeping wreaking havoc upon my weak frame. I fall into a fetal position, no longer able to hold myself upright. Laughter rings in my ears...torturous to my weak and fragile state. I continue to cry while snow drifts over me. I cannot move. I lay there as the tick, tick, tick of my watch drowns out my sobbing. Darkness envelops me as the lids upon my eyes become one solid patch of skin. I cannot see. I wait there, pondering which horror would visit me next. A light shines and I turn sharply...the first of my movements in many days... A hand reaches toward me and I grasp it wholeheartedly, my soul in my palm. A beautiful face looks down at me and with it a smile and this outstretched hand. I return a weak smile with unending gratitude for my rescue. The snow melts around me and feeling returns to my skin. I blink slowly, not wanting to miss a second of his smile, but when they reopen he is gone. I call to him with no reply. Numbness returns quickly, but not before the aching misery of rejection and heartbreak crush my very tender heart. The fragility of this organ is worsened threatening to break entirely. The pills and blood and ignorance won't help this time. I suffer...the pain unending and worsening by the second. The tears return...millions of drops fall from my eyes in torrents. I cannot see, cannot think, cannot feel anything but the ripping apart of every vital organ. I collapse into the returning snow, broken and disoriented. Will this ever end? This teasing of hope flaunting himself just out of reach? I'm sinking...the heat from my body is melting the snow, the puddle rising, I cannot breathe without the water around me pooling itself into my lungs. I choke, cough, wheeze. I thrash around without much success and begin to sink. Miles of water above me, I cannot swim. I scream for help only to push more air from my lungs as I realize my mistake. Love is no more than pain for me; love teases me with his beauty and warmth but never reaches for me. I cannot breathe. Muscles begin to ache and I realize I am dying. Tears mix with melted snow as I pray for rescue not knowing what to do. I cannot swim. I cannot breathe. What option do I have? What can I do? I drown in the sea of a painful broken heart still wishing he was the one. Who was I to deserve love? Something somewhere went terribly wrong and now I am to die before life had even begun. Oh I do hope I helped someone somewhere...somehow. Is it truly time for me to die? And to die like this? I may never know. And on the brink of my last inhale, a strength grasps my wrist and pulls me to the surface. As I choke and spit struggling for air I see the beautiful smile of love looking at me and my heart begins to flutter. I reach toward him and he smiles, while a snowflake lands upon his cheek and it hits me...the teasing has just now begun.